I voiced some of these words out loud recently and realized how much weight I’ve been carrying since 2019.
The more I practice vulnerability, the more I realize that it feels better for my life experiences to be out there in the internet abyss.
Values I hold very close to me are honesty, transparency, and authenticity.
So here we are.
I started to share these experiences in a public setting, where people could potentially overhear what I was saying, and the thought came to me that eventually, I would express this on one of my platforms so it was okay if a stranger heard. I express myself to online “strangers” all of the time. (Usually without my face behind the words but I’d like that to change.)
A lot of my sharing over the past handful of years has been on YouTube. I find that platform a safe space to express and thought I would just transition from blogging to vlogging. The desire to write has not left me (I do personal writing every day) and I now realize I can write and create videos – I do not have to do one or the other. Know this for yourself too, the world is trying to put us in specific boxes but we are all more complex than that “rule.”
I do love a preamble but that is enough for now.
My creative flow has been stunted because of mental health struggles. Instead of keeping these struggles in my head, I know it will serve me to release the tension through expression.
I don’t need to get into the weeds about how the severity of the pandemic was not the experience anyone could expect so I’m not going to dwell on that. It’s fascinating that the entire planet can relate to that experience. Having plans for the future and then they quickly become completely different.
As time went on, December 2020 showed me a new experience that shook me to my core. A loved one purposely left their body because of the emotional distress of the pandemic. My mindset was altered because previous to that, I had spent about half a year creating self care content, speaking to a community that experienced loving energy from my words and digital art. I was encouraging people to take care of themselves and on the day that he took his life, it was the day I posted about suicide awareness.
I am very intuned with energies and knew that message was meant for me. I embodied that I will move towards a life calling of helping people feel more balanced in their bodies.
It’s a practice for me to let things sit. So here and there I would pop up on my platforms and be a light for others, but I knew that I needed more time to process.
In July 2021, another life-altering experience presented itself. I’ve felt conflicted to share my experience publicly because it’s not my story to tell. But I am close to the experience because it happened to my brother-in-law and to my dear sister. COVID took his life. Traumatically and quickly. Fortunately, in the midst of extreme grief, my sister is able to continue to share her experience, so I encourage you to please read her words.
And then in August 2021, my dear grandmother took her last breath. We had a close relationship and I appreciate everything that I’ve experienced with her. She is with my grandpa, who transitioned before I was born, so I am grateful that she is experiencing more peace.
But grief. On top of not feeling comfortable in my work environments, and being isolated from my core community in California, it has all felt like A LOT. (There’s an extension to this expression in my most recent video as well.)
I have kept these experiences to myself because I did not want to feel like a burden and the age-old, “everyone has problems” thought. But as time has gone on, and with self-reflection and learning, expressing myself like this can set me free.
I will likely be processing this for an undetermined time but it always felt odd for me to come back to my platforms and not acknowledge what I’ve been going through in the last few years.
If you’ve made it to this part of my expression, I have so much gratitude for you reading my words. I will continue to be there for you, as you have for me. Thank you for sharing space.
– Christina